The Mathematical Institute for Statistical, Scientific and Logical Inquiry into Natural Knowledge (MISSLINK)
MISSLINK is devoted to the serial collection, indexation, cross classification, intonation, and organization of all facts useful or not, known or unknown, wise or dangerous, silly or sublime, helpful or hurtful, defensive or offensive, corrigible or in-, disgusting or appetizing and whether such collection is/was collaborative or competitive, safe or not, helpful or not, cooperative or not, real-world or ivory tower, repetitious or one-up, honorable or insidious, scrupulous or penny-pinching, conscientious or sloppy.
We are THE location for the intelligent, wise, fair, soft, discerning, upright or prone, non-discriminating, beautiful and ageless human being of today.
MISSLINK has an opening for a Statistician.
Key statistical data analytic and data management skills are:
- Data Management techniques:
- Ability to increase sample size without recruiting new subjects through advanced data management techniques.
- Ability to generate additional data using multiple imputation techniques.
- Computational:
- Speed calculations through use of jackknifing and sub-sampling.
- Ability to use every statistical package ever invented, written or found.
- Data Analysis:
- Ability to cause p-values to decrease through data re-analysis.
- Ability to find substantively important difference between groups, even if the last analyst could not.
- Use of multiple comparisons and multiple testing to increase chances for significant p-values.
- Grant Writing:
- Ability to report power >.8 no matter the assumptions.
- Close personal friendship with major personnel at granting agencies.
- Presentation and writing skills:
- Able to widen slope difference or distance (as appropriate) between two lines for conference graphical presentation.
- Ability to create bars of substantively different heights and label them in a scientifically appropriate and interesting manner.
- Use of double negatives to turn weaknesses of study into strengths.
Please send resume, names of 7 references including the president of the last 4 corporations/universities that you have worked for. Those without working experience at at least 4 different jobs need not apply. Salary and benefits are almost competitive with what we pay our other employees.
Email: jobapplication@dev.null
Phone: no phone inquiries, please.
Fax: no fax applications, please.